New York City, NY (Wokeville Gazette) — After nearly 4 years of eating lunch with the same group of work-friends, Katlynn Elliot was abruptly removed from the group in order to meet the equity and diversity requirements of her company. 

"It's hard to imagine a world where something as innocent as who you choose to eat lunch with, would be so tightly regulated", said Tim Stevens, the token gay guy in the group. "But, I certainly can understand the importance of perception and as a gay man I know the struggle to be accepted. So, even though Katlynn will be missed, I support the company's efforts to do the right thing".

Katlynn was removed from the group last month, leaving behind nearly 4 years of nebulous and superficial conversations that have been a part of her daily routine as long as she has worked at her company. She was forced to leave the group, because Keiko Chinn—the token Asian and founding member of the lunch-squad—recently retired; putting the group at odds with the company policy on diversity and inclusion.

"Needless to say, I'm still pretty upset about it", said Katlynn. "But I also understand. There wasn't much our company could do. If they let this violation slide, they'd probably be forced to allow the crazy group of Christians—who were hosting an illegal Bible study in the meditation room—to meet again as well. So, even though I'm still in shock and looking for a new group to sit with at lunch, I understand the importance of proper enforcement and accountability".

The group worked closely with their Human Resources department to see if there were any loopholes or  escape clauses which would allow Katlynn to stay with the group, but none of the available options fit.

"I was offered the opportunity to self-identify as a man and begin a transition to being a man", said Katlynn. "This would have given me the opportunity to stay in the group, because we don't currently have a token transgender person. And the best part of all is that my company would be willing to pay for the entire transition, making this decision a no-brainer for me". 

However, Katlynn's husband (Mark) wasn't onboard with the idea.

"First of all, I'd like to say right now...that I have no issues, whatsoever, with trans people", said Mark. "I love them and I believe they should be treated with full dignity and respect. But as Katlynn and I talked about her making this transition, in order to keep her spot in the lunch-squad, it seemed to me like she was walking into this a bit hastily. In my opinion, she was making the choice for all the wrong reasons. Not to mention, saying goodbye to her smokin' hot body and hello to another wiener in the house...are you kidding me? Also, the thought of sleeping with another dude, even though technically she wouldn't really be a dude, or finding a natural way to break the news to our three children...these are just a few of the hurdles we were really struggling with".

So, because her husband was unwilling to support her, Katlynn was forced to say goodbye to her casual work-friends as well as their companionship which had made her lunchbreaks tolerable for the past 4 years.

"Maybe we can figure out a way to do something outside of work, together", said Tim Stevens. "Oh, who am I trying to fool? We've never liked each other enough to do something like that. Best wishes Katlynn. You will be missed". 

Eugene, Oregon (Wokeville Gazette) — Jessica Owens is beyond elated as her live-in boyfriend of 8 years has finally promised to spend more time with her than he does his video games; starting next year.

"You have no idea how excited I am right now. Like, seriously", said Owens. "I've been with my boyfriend for like, 8 years, and he always tells me that he loves me more than video games but he's finally putting words behind his words".

We asked T.J. Tucker, Jessica's boyfriend, what finally brought him to a place where he was ready to make such a huge commitment.

"I don't know man. I was talking to some of my gamer friends and they were just reminding me of how sweet of a setup I have here", said Tucker. "I mean, Jessica is a good girl and she works hard every day to pay for our pad and our food and my energy drinks and stuff. I mean I don't want to lose all of this. It's a perfect setup. She totally loves me and provides everything I need. Plus, she has a stellar body, man. I mean look at her. And I'm sure if she ever left me, she'd be able to find another dude in no time. And I don't think I could live with myself, knowing some other dude was living with a perfect setup like I got here".

A bit confused on goal, behind his New Year's resolution, we pressed T.J.  to try and understand his motivation a bit more.

"Yeah, I mean I'm still gonna game and stuff. But I need to find that balance that's going to keep my bros happy and my girl happy", said T.J. "It's not easy either. I've been working seriously hard on World of Warcraft for over 20 years and my guild depends on me, man. So, like I know Jessica wants more of my time, but I just hope she understands how much I'm sacrificing in order to give that to her".

We talked to Jessica about her hopes for the new year as well.

"I'm not looking for him to like never play video games again. I know that's an unreasonable expectation", said Jessica. "I guess what I'm hoping for is for him to show me that I mean more to him than his fantasy world. I don't think that's too much to ask and I think that would go a long way to help us take our relationship to the next level".

We asked Jessica what the next level is in her mind.

"I don't know. I mean I want children. I want to eventually get married. I really like T.J. and think he would make a great father. He's fun. He's...he's...he's...umm, well he's fun. That's for sure".

We asked T.J. if he's ever made a resolution like this before and unsurprisingly this is not his first time making a promise like this to Jessica.

"Dude, I make this same commitment every year", said T.J. "Do I think it will be different this time? Not really, but as long as Jessica believes in me, I suppose there's a chance. I mean I'm going to binge-game for the next few days until I'm so tired I can't stay awake. Then I'll go to sleep for two days and start the New Year off right. I think if I plan things well enough, I probably won't even feel like gaming again until January 3rd or 4th, which means I've already given up games for like three or four days. Hopefully that will go a long way to showing Jessica how much she means to me".

​Though we can't say we are fully convinced by T.J.'s dedication to his resolution, we are hopeful that he can finally find a way to show Jessica just how important she is to him and his ability to continue in his lazy and fruitless lifestyle while she assumes the role of provider, primary bread-winner, and essentially the only adult in the relationship. Good luck to you T.J. we're all pulling for you.

Washington, D.C. (Wokeville Gazette) — Taking full advantage of the season of joy and peace, the White House sent a clear and hopeful message to vaccinated Americans: "You've done the right thing and we will get through this". 

However, for unvaccinated Americans—namely those selfish individuals who are still hellbent on killing their grandmas, rejecting science, and aiding and abetting a global pandemic which is responsible for killing more Americans than the civil war—the White House had a much different message.

"For the unvaccinated, because of you we are looking at a winter of severe illness and death. If you're still alive, you won't be for long, and even if you find a way to avoid death, you should be ashamed of yourself". 

These words mark the start of a week, which has historically been set aside to celebrate the Winter Holiday; formally and unfavorably known as Christmas. This holiday, has previously brought out the best in people as they have strived to live up to the reason for the season. No, not Jesus, but rather peace on earth and good will towards the vaccinated.

We reached out to the Biden White House in order to get a better understanding of what their efforts are here and how this lines up with their campaign promise to unify a country that was divided under the reign of terror during the four years of President Trump.

"Look, our message has been clear all along", said Tim Duxbury a spokesperson for the White House. "It's time to Build Back Better. And while we certainly want to have everyone on board for this initiative, we can no longer look beyond the reality that some people simply want to see America burn. President Biden is done asking Americans to do the right thing. The science is settled. There is only one way to love your neighbor and bring peace on earth and good will to men, women, non-binary individuals, transsexuals, pansexuals, furries, flurbies, benie-babies, nanobots, autobots, decepticons (and any other people or non-people groups which have fall into protected classes in our great and yet systemically racist country). The pathway forward is for for everyone to lay down their individual liberties and embrace the collective-liberties which are being generiously provided—equally and free of charge—by the American government; in the form of vaccinations and endless follow-up booster shots. If someone chooses to reject these things, they are not only racist and sexist but are also making a conscience decision to kill people. And we are no longer willing to play word games. These people are evil and they must be humiliated into submission or destroyed".  

When asked whether there was any other message the White House would like to put out this week, Mr. Duxbury replied, "We certainly want to wish everyone a safe, healthy, and anti-racist Winter Holiday Eve and a Merry Winter Holiday...as-well-as a Happy New Year; unless you're unvaccinated, of course, in which case we hope you die a slow and painful death, and burn in hell for all eternity".

Truth or Consequences, NM (Wokeville Gazette) — A local family from New Mexico was shocked to discover they were responsible for spreading more than kindness this Thanksgiving.

"I really don't know what to say", said Terry Jenkins. "We've tried our best to be kind and responsible during the pandemic and we are stunned and disappointed to say the least".

The Jenkins family has done everything right, in order to avoid getting or spreading COVID. They have continued to wear masks, both indoors and outdoors. They are all fully vaccinated, including booster shots, and have remained vigilant to ensure they are following the constantly changing rules and protocols put out by the CDC.

"We really don't understand what happened", said Terry. "When the pandemic first hit America, we decided right away that we were going to do everything in our power to ensure we wouldn't be the cause of hardship or loss for anyone else. We quickly came up with the family motto: 'spread kindness not COVID', and we've done everything in our power to live up to that platitude".

Sadly, regardless how hard the Jenkins family has tried to do their part, it was discovered last Friday that Jill Jenkins, Terry's wife, had not only tested positive for COVID-19 but had shared it with the family she gathered with on Thanksgiving.

"Dr. Fauci told us that as long as we were fully-vaccinated, we could feel good about enjoying a typical Thanksgiving with our family and close friends", said Jill. "So that's what we did. We vetted the list of family and friends. Anyone who refused to follow the science, and get vaccinated, was immediately uninvited. We wore masks the entire time—except while we were eating—and we even prayed that God would protect our selfish and careless family members who are unvaccinated, from spreading COVID to innocent people". 

Ironically, even with all the effort put into ensuring they were being safe, Jill not only had COVID but spread it to her entire family.

"We just received a call from the final family member", said Terry. "As sad as it is, all 18 people who were together for Thanksgiving have tested positive for COVID-19".

The good news, or the silver lining if there is such a thing, is that the Jenkins will now have (14) days to reevaluate their efforts in order to come up with a new plan on how they are going to protect others and spread kindness instead of COVID, moving forward.

"Well, one thing we know for sure is that we're not going to lose hope", said Terry. "We followed the rules and did everything by the book. We trusted and followed the science and we feel good about that. Even though things didn't work out as planned, we still chose kindness and that's something we should feel about; even though we don't feel very good at the moment. So, we're going to take advantage of these 14 days of quarantine and come up with a new game plan".

We did reach out to one unvaccinated family member, who was uninvited from the Thanksgiving gathering, for comment.

"Well, first of all I want to be clear that I am praying for my family", said Tim Jenkins (Terry's brother). "To see the majority of your family stricken with COVID is never great, regardless of their vaccination status, so our thoughts and prayers are with them. Even though I've been ostracized and  blacklisted by my family, I still care about them, deeply. We celebrated Thanksgiving with a few other unvaccinated family members—who were also excluded—as well as some of our closest friends. One thing we made sure to do was thank God for our family and pray for anyone in the world who is struggling with COVID. In hindsight, I'm actually glad we were uninvited, because we likely would be dealing with COVID, just like everyone else".

Scientists and researchers across the globe are celebrating the first interaction of two puppets, without any human intervention.

"These are the history-changing moments, which can't be over-exaggerated", said Dr. Broderick Rogers. "Like landing on the moon or the invention of the Internet, this conversation between two puppets—without any human interaction—is simply amazing".

What Dr. Rogers is referring to is the online exchange, between Big Bird and President Biden. This conversation was sparked after Big Bird (and Granny Bird) made an appearance on CNN to talk with America's Doctor, Dr. Gupta (who previously appeared on the Joe Rogan Podcast to defend CNN's false and intentionally misleading accusations of Joe taking horse dewormer.

​Big Bird tweeted, 

This was the first exchange in history, between two fully autonomous puppets, and it did not disappoint.

"We landed a rover on Mars and defeated the axis of evil during WWII, but what we experienced today is simply beyond words", said one of President Biden's former puppet masters. "To have the privilege of being a witness to this great feat is truly humbling and I don't even have words to express my genuine excitement. And to see that the exchange between these two fully autonomous puppets,  was a conversation about the importance of COVID vaccinations was so extraordinary, because had either of these puppets been controlled by humans they likely would have had a very similar exchange".

Not everyone was impressed by this feat.  Several alt-right and likely-fascists  weighed in with their disappointment and disapproval. One of those people was Senator Ted Cruz, who is not only a science denier, but also a known Internet troll.

Washington, D.C. (Wokeville Gazette) — In order to fund President Biden's social spending plan, democrats have come together to proposed a tax on anyone who is richer than they are.

"It's time for these people to pay their fair share", said Senator Warren—who is 1/1024th Cherokee. "And by 'these people', I'm clearly referring to anyone in the United States who has more wealth than we do".

Democrats say the billionaire tax alone could raise hundreds of billions of dollars to help offset the cost of Biden's final bill, which could end up around $1.5 trillion. It is part of a broader tax framework that also includes a new minimum tax on large corporations.

Senate Finance Committee Chair Ron Wyden, D-Ore., called the proposal a way to consistently tax billionaires who typically avoid paying annual income taxes.


The plan comes as lawmakers are scrambling to finalize the legislation this week. Biden and top congressional Democrats say they need to reach a deal on a framework and also move forward on a stalled $1 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill.

"What a beautiful idea", said Senator Ron Wyden, (D-Ore). "I'm honestly surprised we didn't think of this before. As the nation continues to deal with the oppression of systemic racism and imbalanced social systems oppression, it's only fair that we try to make things as equitable as we can. Therefore, the idea here is to tax any citizens who are better off than we are".

When pressed on the reality that many Americans consider the ruling class—in the Nation's capital—to be part of the problem with equity, Wyden replied,

"Well, I can certainly understand that perspective. It's halfwitted, ignorant, and ridiculous but I understand it. What democrats want people to realize is this is the kind of diversion that has allowed billionaires to continue dodge paying their fair share. They convince the majority of Americans to look at politicians and their ability to not only make the laws, but also make millions upon millions of dollars while serving Americans as public servants, and then suggest we are the problem. Our plan, to tax those who have more money than us, is to distract Americans, by getting them to focus on the real enemy of the American people; namely, the top one-percent.   

Washington, D.C. (Wokeville Gazette) — Over the weekend, troubling news broke about an NIH grant which helped to pay for inhumane and unnecessary testing on beagle puppies. 

The White Coat Waste Project, the nonprofit organization that first pointed out that U.S. taxpayers were being used to fund the controversial Wuhan Institute of Virology, have now turned its sights on Anthony Fauci on another animal-testing-related matter — infecting dozens of beagles with disease-causing parasites to test an experimental drug on them.

White Coat Waste claims that 44 beagle puppies were used in a Tunisia, North Africa, laboratory, and some of the dogs had their vocal cords removed, allegedly so scientists could work without incessant barking.

"Our investigators show that Fauci’s NIH division shipped part of a $375,800 grant to a lab in Tunisia to drug beagles and lock their heads in mesh cages filled with hungry sand flies so that the insects could eat them alive," White Coat Waste told Changing America. "They also locked beagles alone in cages in the desert overnight for nine consecutive nights to use them as bait to attract infectious sand flies."

On Monday, Dr. Fauci made it clear that despite reports that he doesn't care about puppies, he most certainly does.

"Look, I love puppies just as much as the next guy", said Fauci. "I just enjoy them for very different reasons than most people do".

Fauci went on to suggest that his affection for animals may be somewhat unconventional, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care about the animals.

"I don't want all puppies to die", said Fauci. "In fact, I want them to live as long as we need them to, albeit in very inhumane conditions, so we can get the data and get these pharmaceuticals through the rigorous testing that is usually required (outside of pandemic-induced emergency uses scenarios) in order to get them into circulation where the real profit is. I have a very good working relationship with these animals. I keep them placid, with drugs, and alive as long as possible...and in return, they give me the scientific data I need to manufacture and patent new drugs to sell to the American people for enormous profits".

Though many Americans are rightly disturbed by these recent findings, it's fair to suggest that with enough time and effort, the mainstream media should be able to bury and spin this story enough that it will simply go the way of Hunter Biden's laptop story.

Palm Beach, FL (Wokeville Gazette) — Donald Trump seems to have some genuine sadness around the passing of General Colin Powell. However, it's the kind of sadness one would come to expect from the former president; namely, lacking empathy, full of self-importance, and unwilling to recognize the feelings and needs of others.

"You know, I used to like Traitor Powell. That's what I call him. Traitor Powell, because he's a traitor", said Trump. "Well, to be honest, becasue as the whole world already knows I can't be anything else but honest...I didn't really like him. But he really liked me. A lot. And I mean a lot. Probably more than he liked anyone else. Maybe even his wife. Who knows? Anyway, when I heard he died, I was sad. Sad because I had some huge insults to tweet about him. The best insults ever. Nobody, in the history of insults, would ever have insults better than these insults. I mean it. Nobody. But I'm permanently banned from Twitter and even though I'm suing them to get my account back, I'm still blocked. So, sure I'm sad about Powell's death. Sad that I'm banned on Twitter and can't slander him".

And this is exactly what the world has come to expect from Donald Trump.

"He simply can't help himself", said Dr.  Herrmann. "The thing about Narcissistic Personality Disorder is that a person's grandiose sense of self-importance won't allow them to even pretend to be something they aren't. In this case, when it would seem so easy to have a staff member—with even an ounce of empathy—draft a written statement with benign pleasantries and platitudes for Donald Trump to read, he can't allow that to happen. In Donald Trumps mind, he is better than everyone else and therefore, it would be beneath him to allow someone else to tell him what to say". 

So, instead of the typical politically correct statements we see from most politicians during moments like these, where statements are released showing their sympathies and patronizing commitments of thoughts and prayers, Donald Trump instead did the most Donald Trump thing Donald Trump could have done.

And here is Trump's statement in all of it's glory:
    

Washington, DC (Wokeville Gazette) — In order to expand support for their anti-mandate efforts, COVID vaccine resisters developed a cunning new campaign to gain the support from an unlikely partner; namely, feminists.

"No Man Dates", read one sign at this past weekend's march against vaccine mandates.

"We were losing the battle because people were too ignorant to see tyranny when they weren't effected by it directly", mansplained Tim Tapper. "As long as they agreed with the end result, they simply accepted the loss of freedom. We had to shift gears and attempt to beat the Biden White House at it's own game. Which is playing loose with the truth. So, we decided to get creative in order to advance our cause". 

And that's exactly what they did. These brave men found the most naïve and easy to manipulate group of people they could find, and reshaped the narrative to gain both their anger and support. 

"I remember a story my grandpa used to tell me", said Tapper. "About a time when America's brave and patriarchal forefathers fought against women's right to vote, knowing that many women vote with their hearts and not heads or convictions. So, a courageous group of men convinced impressionable, gullible, and angry women that suffrage was simply another effort, by men, to suppress them and keep them down. It wasn't exactly the truth, but it also wasn't explicitly a lie either".

It's true that during the early 1900's, when women were fighting for their right to vote,  men were equally zealous in their efforts to prevent it. Women were given the right to vote in 1920. Which eventually led to women voting for guys like John F. Kennedy, simply because he looked better on TV. Over the past 11 decades, women have become an easy target for political manipulation.

And that's precisely where they find themselves again. On one hand, the government has been using fear to help sell mask mandates, content censoring, and economic shutdowns. Biden's White House has doubled down on this tyranny, promoting vaccine mandates as the only way to beat COVID.

"We saw what Führer Fauci and Big Brother Biden were attempting to do and we really had no other option", said Tapper. "So, we decided to use women's anger and hatred of men to our advantage".

That's when they came up with the brilliant idea to making mandates about men. Men forcing women to do things with their body. And just like suffrage, a word which isn't always understood, mandate has a connotation that leaves many women feeling oppressed and maltreated; as women have a history of being forced to date men.

"We broke down the glass ceiling decades ago", said Coleen Anderson-Holzemer a protester we spoke with this weekend. "Women no longer need men and we certainly don't need man dates to make us happy or healthy".

"I've never dated a man and I certainly don't intend to start now", said Gloria Steinem. "I'm perfectly content dating women and other non-binary beings who don't identify as men. A woman needs a man date like a fish needs a bicycle".

Though Tapper and his group is unsure how long it will be before these rabid and extremist nut-jobs wise up to the reality of being hoodwinked, for now they are completely happy with the support they are receiving from these militant feminists.

"We'll take the help as long as we can", said Tapper. "I'm not sure what I personally enjoy more, tricking these angry and ignorant women into fighting for our cause or watching their wrath when intelligent people try to have logical conversations with them and convince them that vaccine mandates aren't really about dating men. It's all quite entertaining".