As a Last Ditch Effort to Save America, Evangelical Churches are Handing Over Their Pulpits.

Houston, TX — Yesterday, as churches gathered around the country for their weekly church services, church members were surprised to find that the preaching had been replaced with a political rally for Donald Trump.

"It was a pretty patriotic service", said Terry Johnson one of the congregants at First Baptist Church in Houston. "I haven't cried, in church, for years but when the whole congregation started singing 'Proud to Be an American' I couldn't hold back the tears. This is the first time I haven't fallen asleep in church in twenty years."

This was a united effort, by Evangelical churches around the country, to try and help congregants understand what is truly on the line in this election. "We're not just talking about a threat to America as we know it", said one of the pastors at First Baptist. "We are really talking about the death of America as a whole. What we want to make sure our church members know is that unless they vote for Donald Trump, it will soon be illegal to be a Christian. He is our last hope for religious freedom and protection from those who would like nothing more than to rewrite history to erase the fact that America is a country founded on Judeo-Christian principles."

Donald Trump has been working hard to groom Evangelicals for years. His efforts started in 2015, when he announced his run. He began courting top Evangelical leaders like Jerry Falwell Jr. Men like these are some of the most influential people in the Evangelical Church and Trump knew he would need them in his pocket.

"Look, it is no secret that we've been working these people for the past five years", said a representative of Donald Trumps reelection campaign. "What we've found is that these folks are used to being manipulated and controlled by power-hungry men. All Donald Trump needed to do was gain their trust and then he could literally tell them to do anything, and they would follow. They are mindless sheep, who are dependent on a shepherd to tell them where to go, where to eat, where to lie down. It's really quite amazing how utterly dependent these sheeple (that's what we call them) really are." 

Like human batteries, plugged into the Matrix, churches across the country handed their congregations over and traded their pulpits for a simulcast of a Trump rally. Here he was able to get a unified message out to all those in attendance. And that message was a simple one, 'Vote Trump in 2020'.

"We were hoping it wouldn't come to this", said Trump's representative. "But unfortunately things have gotten way too close for comfort and we need all the help we can get. In 2016, the polls only had us chasing Hillary Clinton by 11 points, we're now looking at the single largest point deficit that we've ever seen [18 points in most polls] and we're only three weeks away from the election. Trump called in a favor to all the higher-ups in the Evangelical movement—knowing he has incriminating dirt on them all--and he was able to convince them to give up the time they would normally use to preach the Bible and instead use the time to convince people to vote for TRUMP 2020."

The churches connected their normal broadcasts to a simulcast of a TRUMP rally. Trump did a fair amount of pandering and most congregants seemed to be pleasantly surprised by the change.

"Dude, that was the most exciting service I've ever been a part of", said one congregant we spoke with. "I've been going to church my whole life and I've never felt the Holy Spirit move like he did today. The energy, the unity, the excitement. It was truly supernatural."

Not everyone was so enthusiastic. We spoke with one woman who was not convinced this was the best use of God's time. "I'm really not sure what to think about all of this. This just doesn't sit well with me. I set aside time each week, to come to church and listen to good preaching and participate in some real worship and I feel like today was similar to what we see in scriptures when Jesus overturned tables and called the temple a den of thieves. These people were hootin' and hollerin' louder today than they do on any normal Sunday, and that's not right. What that tells me is that for Jesus, we can't get excited but for Donald Trump we can? That's just not right. I don't care who you are."