Washington, D.C ( Wokeville Gazette) — Fake congress-woman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), slipped out of her fake handcuffs—just long enough to raise her fist in fake solidarity with the other faux-testers, during an abortion rights rally outside the Supreme Court.

Most people know that before she was a lawmaker, AOC was a bartender. What they don't know is that she was also an aspiring escape artist with aspirations to be the next Harry Houdini. 

"Yo, she slipped right out those fake handcuffs she was in. Straight pimpin", said another faux-tester who was at the Supreme Court as well. "I was like, DAMN! Dat cop took his eye off of her for a quick minute, sure did, and she straight escaped. Like, blat blat! That got the rest of us riled up, cuz we was fixin' to be there to intimidate and terrorize the Supreme Court justices who voted to take away my baby-mamma's right to kill her babies".

We reached out to the U.S. Capitol Police for an explanation on the arrests of AOC and the rest of the Squad, but they didn't return our calls.

"AOC made those cops look silly", said another faux-tester. "They walked in, acting all tough, trying to scare us and break up a protest they said was unlawful. When we refused to move, they started arresting people. When they got to AOC, and put those fake handcuffs on her, people really got excited. She calmly walked away with those racist cops who kept telling her that she wasn't in handcuffs and didn't need to put her hands behind her back. Then, when they were distracted by someone yelling 'All Cops are Bastards', AOC slipped out of her cuffs like 'bye Falicia'. She is so amazing!"

Following their arrests, the lawmakers were taken to a grassy area between the Supreme Court and Capitol building. Once there, police asked the representatives to pose with their congressional IDs in lieu of a mugshot.


One Capitol Police officer was seen telling the members that water was on the way as they relaxed.

Several lawmakers, including Maloney, Ocasio-Cortez, Bush, and Levin took the opportunity to give interviews with members of the media.
 

Washington, D.C. (Wokeville Gazette) — After six months of intense marketing research and efforts to find a way to attack former President Donald Trump and those affiliated with him, Democratic messaging guru Anita Dunn was left scratching her head. 

The Center for American Progress Action Fund oversaw an effort to discern Republicans’ "weak spot", according to the Washington Post. Dunn, a longtime Biden adviser, returned in May to the White House in a senior adviser role — the third time since the start of the president's term.

“MAGA,” the group’s surveys and focus groups found, stood out in battleground areas for its negative ties.

So, President Biden began using the phrase "Maga Ultra" last week, in hopes of attacking the man (and those associated with him) as democrats head into what appears to be a very bleak November.

The problem is, instead of maligning Republicans by tying their agenda to Trump, the slogan has ricocheted back as many on the Right embrace the new moniker.

That includes the former president, who “absolutely loved” Biden's willingness to call him "the great MAGA king” during a Chicago union hall speech and mocked Biden and Democrats privately for failing to understand how to sell a political message.

We spoke with a representative of former President Trump who was excited to embrace the quip from Biden's White House. 

​“If loving your Country and wanting to put AMERICA FIRST makes you ULTRA MAGA, then yes. WE ARE ULTRA MAGA,” said Trump's representative. "We are thrilled beyond words by the help Biden and his team are giving us with this effort. If they believe they can win in November by attacking America, then we're all for it. Meanwhile, President Trump will continue to expose how Biden has single-handedly destroyed the economy and brought America to the brink of WWIII with his policies and decisions. While Americans are facing inflation at rates most of them have never seen before, as well as shortages on essentials like baby formula, President Biden thinks his best bet is to attack Trump for his promises to put Americans first".

Washington, D.C. (Wokeville) — As inflation tops out at 8.3% and gas prices are soaring to record highs across the country, many Americans are looking for someone to blame. President Biden wants the American people to know this: whoever is to blame, it certainly isn't him.

Early Wednesday morning, Jen Psaki—who is leaving resigning at the end of the month to pursue her career in Fake News—made it clear that President Biden takes no responsibility for anything negative about the economy. And in an unexpected move, Biden slipped away from his handlers, wandered up to the podium and began to answer questions on his own.

When asked who bears the blame for the 8.3% inflation, Biden insisted it was President Trump's fault.

"Come on man", said Biden. "Donald Trump is a racist. What do you expect from an unqualified and xenophobic man like Trump".

A journalist from MSNBC kindly reminded President Biden that Donald Trump is no longer President, and Biden used the opportunity to blame the American voters.

"I know that", snapped Biden. "But why isn't he president? It's because the American people didn't vote for him. They voted for me. I gave them well over 40 years of evidence that I was not only unqualified for this position but was not someone that could be trusted; especially when it comes to running a whole country and what not".

Shocked at Biden's candor, and not willing to miss an opportunity to ask even more pointed questions, Fox news reporter Peter Doocy asked the President if he feels any responsibility about the recent shortage of baby formula and other necessities.

"Come on, you stupid son-of-a-[obscenity]", mumbled Biden. "Don't be an idiot. I don't even have breasts. How could I dry my breast milk and turn it into powder? This guy, what a clown. I may not know who is to blame for everything that's going on around here, but one thing I know for sure is that it isn't me. Does anyone know where Hunter is? He certainly seems to know how to screw things up".

Just then, Biden's handlers abruptly ended the press conference and gingerly walked President Biden out of the room. And though we can't say for sure where they took the President, it is clear that he had said all he was going to say today.

A new Pew Research Center report found that 100 percent of the babies who were surveyed, would rather be allowed to live than get aborted. 

The results extend to every racial group and to Democrats as well as Republicans. The findings come as the U.S. Supreme Court prepares to weigh in on the Constitutional legality of abortion, likely in June, as well as the future of Roe v. Wade.

While many Americans are angry over the leaked opinion by Justice Alito, and others are celebrating what will undoubtedly be a major win for pro-life activists, it seems there is unity among the pre-born about the mutilation, dismemberment, and disposal of babies.

"We were stunned to see such a unified response among babies", said Sharon Anderson. One of the organizers of the pew report. "Americans can't seem to find common ground on anything these days, but the youngest among us seem to be unified in their position on abortion".

Ms. Anderson was most surprised to see that neither race nor political affiliation seemed to make a difference, when it came to how these babies viewed abortion rights compared to the right to life.

"Whether they were Republicans, Democrats, Black, White or Asian these babies all had one thing in common", said Anderson. "They would rather live than get chopped up into pieces and thrown away".

So, while protests grow across the country as the Supreme Court deals with Roe v. Wade leak, one thing seems to be certain. Babies don't want to die.

Diverse City, UT (Wokeville Gazette) — A man who has spent nearly 20,000 hours building a virtual world on Minecraft, says he doesn't feel like it's his responsibility to create anything in real life.

"I'm not against building real stuff", said Tristan Williams. "I just don't think it's really my cup of tea. That's all".

Tristan, who has logged nearly 20,000 hours on the children's game, says he considers himself both a visionary and a creator in the virtual world.

"When it comes to building and creating things in virtual reality, I consider myself one of the very best in the world. I have worked extremely hard at mastering my craft. It wasn't always easy, but the harder I worked at my skillset, the easier it got. I've created an entire virtual world and I host it on a server where other users can come and create and play in the world I've created for us".

When pressed on why his sense of accomplishment hasn't translated into the real world, Tristan didn't really have an answer.

"I'm not really sure", said Tristan. "I mean I suppose that a lot of the building and we do in the virtual realm could somehow translate in the real world. But it all seems super hard. I mean, I can create a whole neighborhood in about 4-5 hours, in Minecraft. That would take a lot longer in real life. I can spawn new puppies and sheep and pigs in a matter of minutes, but to cultivate that kind of life—in real life—would take years. I just don't have that kind of time". 

We spoke with Tristan's wife, who said that while she supports her husband's creativity, it would be nice to seem him take a more assertive and active role in her life and the life of their three children.

"I guess we need to count our blessings", said Mary Williams. "I mean a lot of women don't even have their children's father around at all. So, in once sense we are kind of blessed to even have a man in our home. I just wish he cared about his real family as much as he seems to care about his virtual family".

While Tristan in building in his virtual world, Marry is left to care for their kids, go to work to support the family, take care of medical bills and basically manage the entire house. Tristan isn't oblivious to the work Mary is doing, but instead simply sees it as the price a woman must pay when she chooses to marry such an innovative man.

"She certainly carries a lot of the family responsibilities", said Tristan. "But she knew who I was before we got married. She loved my creative side and she knows how passionate I am about my life in Minecraft. I'm grateful for her and appreciate the fact that she doesn't make me choose between my real family and my virtual family. She totally understands that I have a lot of people in the virtual world who are depending on me just as much as she is. Whatever I lack, in the real world, I more than make up for in Minecraft".

San Diego, CA (Wokeville Gazette) — As strange as it may seem, there is a new phenomenon among women today which has scientists and doctors confused. 

"We are unsure if this is an effect of long-COVID or something else", said Dr. Maryanne Williams a researcher at the University of San Diego. "All we know for sure is that this is something that is happening across America".

What Dr. Williams is referring to are the recent cases of women who are no longer able to define what a woman is.

The most prevalent example of this phenomenon was Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson—who was selected as the nominee to the Supreme Court by President Biden, in part because of the fact that she is a woman. During her hearing, she was unable to define what a woman is; noting that she was indeed not a biologist.

"We were already concerned in what we perceived to be an uptick in this type of behavior", said Dr. Williams. "But when it occurred again, especially to such a high-profile and public figure like Judge Brown Jackson, we knew we could no longer ignore the obvious".

That's when Dr. Williams and other researchers at the University of San Diego decided to use the Federal Grant money they had recently received as part of the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Fund—earmarked as part of the Ukraine Relief Package signed by Congress—to study this mysterious occurrence in better detail.

The University interviewed 1,500 women of various ages, races, sexual preferences, political affiliations, vaccination statuses, and cultural upbringings. There was a balance between women who had been infected with COVID, those who had not. Each of the women were asked to provide answers to two very specific questions.

"First, we wanted to know if they could define what a woman is", said Dr. Williams. "And secondly, we wanted to know if they could define toxic masculinity".

Much to their surprise the results were were very telling. While the majority of women, who considered themselves to be conservative were able to define woman, they seemed to struggle more with the second question; namely, what is toxic masculinity. However, in stark contrast—those women who considered themselves to be progressive—struggled significantly to define what a woman is but seemed to have no issues whatsoever defining toxic masculinity.

Dr. Williams weighed in with her thoughts on the validity of the study as well as what the results indicate for the culture at large.

"We found it puzzling that the evidence seems to point more to an ideological connection rather than a physiological or biological one", said Dr. Williams. "It's almost as if these women are living in two very different realities. In one, women are able to define what a woman is; in the traditional and conventional way. But then we see an inability and even a hesitancy, in progressive-leaning women, to define women or even utter something which might be considered offensive or repressive in any way. Unless, of course, that offense is directed at men. These same progressive women had absolutely no trouble defining toxic masculinity. That definition seemed to flow from they, without pause or second thought".

 Dr. Williams is still compiling and extrapolating they data. She said the grant was given with a very clear objective; as far as results that were required. And in order for her to receive future Federal Grants, she will make sure that whatever her findings are, they line up well with the expectations given and the results expected. 

Washington, D.C. (Wokeville Gazette) — President Biden left the transgender community confused and deflated after his State of the Union Address to Congress last night.

We spoke with a representative of the Trans Wellness Center, in Los Angeles, who was scrambling to get a message out to the many trans individuals who may have been impacted by the President's obfuscated statement.

"Listen, we know President Biden isn't all there", said Candy Crush. "He says a lot of things that are unintelligible and hard to understand. But this one really left us shocked, confused, and unsure what he was trying to say".

Ms. Crush was speaking specifically to the portion of President Biden's speech, where he was encouraging Congress to pass the Equality Act and get it to his desk. In his efforts to encourage the passing of the Bill, he inadvertently made an appeal to God; which obviously left the trans community even more confused than they already are. 

"As I said last year", President Biden said in his speech. "Especially to our younger transgender Americans, I will always have your back as your President, so you can be yourself and reach your God-given potential".

It was this statement which left many trans people feeling attacked, offended, and unprotected.

"To hear the President bring God into the mix was disappointing", said Ms. Crush. "And then on top of it to suggest that our ability can only extend as far as God would allow it was not only offensive but also racist, sexist, transphobic, and hateful. Trans people have been battling the idea of God's authority for as long as we've been around and we certainly were not expecting a President—who markets himself as an ally to trans-rights—to make such an insensitive statement on such an important stage".

We asked Ms. Crush what if she sees any path towards unity and forgiveness for the President and his administration, after Tuesday's ill-made remarks.

"Well, first we'd appreciate a formal apology. Then, we'd love to see him pull back his recent nomination for the Supreme Court, Ketanji Brown Jackson , so he can nominate a person from the trans-community instead.

It's unlikely that the Biden White House will pull back his nomination for the Supreme Court, but the trans-community has made it clear that they have but the President on notice, and he is now in their debt.

"If President Biden and the Democrats desire the continued support of the trans-community", said Ms. Crush. "They better understand that we are paying attention. We expect to see more trans people elevated to positions of prominence and power within this Administration. They owe us". 

Ottawa, Canada (Wokeville Gazette) — For the past several years, Canada has been cracking down hard on misinformation. However, the strict policies and regulations have caught an unexpected culprit in their crosshairs; namely, Canada's Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.

​Today, the Parliament of Canada, made it clear that they are holding Prime Minister Trudeau accountable to his own policies on misinformation. Therefore, Trudeau had to make a choice. He would either need to start telling the truth or change his surname to Notrudeau, to better reflect a more honest description of himself.

"We find it very crucial, in these times of dangerous disinformation, to ensure that all Canadians are held to the same standards", said one member of Canada's Parliament. "Prime Minister or pleb, the expectation is the same. If you spread misinformation, you will be labeled a liar. We make no exceptions, even for exceptional people".

The catalyst to this decision was a Tweet that Prime Minister Notrudeau sent out on Tuesday, in the wake of a Freedom Convoy which has been holding strong in Ottawa since Sunday. Rather than acting like a man, and facing the Freedom Convoy to listen to them, the Prime Minister faked his own COVID infection and ran for an undisclosed safehouse somewhere in the city. Then, from a safe distance away, he took to Twitter to make the following statement:

Not only was the Tweet a dismissal of the Canadians who are trying to have their voices heard, but it was also based in complete and utter dishonesty. The brave Canadians, who are a part of the Freedom Convoy, are not antisemitists, Islamophobic, anti-Black, homophobic, transphobic or otherwise. They are simply kind-hearted, well-intentioned, freedom loving Canadians who have had enough of their governments annexation of power.

We spoke with one of the protesters for his reaction to the news.

"Well, we were certainly sad to hear about the defamatory language that the Prime Minister chose to use to describe us to the Canadian people and the world", said Benjamin Dichter the convoy spokesperson. "As an avid supporter of freedom of speech, I certainly respect the Prime Minister's freedom to say whatever he pleases. However, as a proponent of government accountability, I do appreciate that Parliament is holding all Canadians to the same standards".

We tried to reach out to Prime Minister Notrudeau, but due to the fact that he is cowardly hiding out in his undisclosed bunker, with his pretend COVID, we were unable to reach him for comment. 

Dothan, AL (Wokeville Gazette) — Newly proposed legislation is likely to penalize any correctional facilities that talk to inmates to help them overcome unwanted criminal urges or thoughts.

The proposed legislation is presented as a ban on “conversion therapy,” but the most prisons are dedicated to four major purposes; namely, retribution, incapacitation, deterrence and rehabilitation.

These so-called bans, on conversion therapy, are being used as muzzles to silence correctional institutions that have the impossible task of trying to help lifetime criminals find new hope. The aim is to coerce prisons into forfeiting any counsel that would imply or teach that there is anything sinful about criminal behaviors, impulses, feelings, and identities. In this case, the proposal before the Dothan City Council would, if enacted into law, threaten the ability of prisons to deal in truth and honesty and would even threaten the right of prison chaplains to counsel the inmates.

"This is really unbelievable", said Joseph Clint, warden at Dothan State Prison. "I honestly have no idea how we're supposed to accomplish our mission, if we can't even follow the basic tenets of our mission".

Rehabilitation refers to activities designed to change criminals into law abiding citizens, and may include providing educational courses in prison, teaching job skills and offering counselling with a psychologist, social workers, or pastors.

We spoke to a proponent of this proposed legislation, to gain a better perspective of the intent of this law.

"We feel it is inappropriate for anyone to be converted", said Mary James Anderson-Riley. "If a criminal wants to self-identify as a criminal, what right does anyone have to prevent them from living into their most authentic self? For decades we have continued to try and force round pegs into square holes, by trying to convert criminals into law abiding citizens. This kind of bigotry and intolerance will no longer be tolerated. This law will finally remove the shame and humiliation that criminals have been forced to carry for far too long, simply for being themselves."

When asked what role prisons should play in the lives of the incarcerated individuals, Anderson-Riley gave the following advice:

"How should I know? That's not my problem to solve. Our goal here isn't to tell prisons how they can accomplish their mission. Our goal is to tell them how they can't accomplish their mission".

With such a drastic change to the law, many prison wardens—like Joseph Clint—are now left to wonder if there really is a mission for prisons at all.

"It kind of leaves you to wonder if we really have a purpose in society anymore", said Clint. "If we're just here to celebrate and affirm criminals for who they already are, then what is the point of prisons. These offenders will continue to break the law, and will be celebrated for doing so, and there is no room within the law to try and persuade them from continuing with their lifestyle; regardless how detrimental it may be to themselves or society at large". ​

San Antonio, TX (Wokeville Gazette) — A man and woman were arrested, on Wednesday afternoon, for breaking a law against "flirting with eyes or hands".

"I could see, based on how they were looking at each other, that they were directly violating the law with no regard for how their choices were impacting anyone around them", said Tom Jackson the arresting officer.  "This kind of blatant criminal activity will not be tolerated on the streets of San Antonio. This is a town of law and order and we will not allow degeneracy to go unpunished".

The offenders will now be charged, with misdemeanors, for violating a law that many residents of San Antonio didn't even know existed.

"I was shocked when I read about that in the San Antonio Express-News (a local newspaper)", said Roy Nelson. "I mean not to divulge too much information here, or incriminate myself, but I've been known to flirt with young ladies in this town from time to time. I guess I really need to be careful what I do and don't do moving forward".

Roy certainly isn't the only citizen who was shocked to discover the law. However, another person we talked with was actually pleased to see her town take such a hardline approach.

"You're dang right I'm happy about it", said Shirly Temple. "I'm sick and tired of these hoodlums walking the streets and visually accosting young women who are simply trying to mind their own business and go about their own lives. I was pleased to see our local law enforcement take a proactive approach and make an example out of the two roughnecks who were flagrantly violating the moral code of this good and respectable town". 

We reached out to Jill Anderson, one of the violators of the flirtation law, and received the following statement from her lawyer.

"Ms. Anderson is committed to fight this frivolous lawsuit until she is exonerated", said Jake McHugh. "Not only is my client innocent, but she will not be used as a patsy. She was well within her rights—protected and secured by the Constitution—and any assertions that she was violating some outdated moral code of conduct are not only mendacious but are also defamatory and are being used to paint my client as a  reprobate; which couldn't be further from the truth".

We asked another local lawyer, from Screwem, Goode, and Hart whether this law or lawsuit has any merit or standing in court.

"Though there seems to be some legal precedence for this lawsuit", said Barry C. Dumas. "I think it is fair for the accused to lean heavily on the cultural shift which has clearly taken place in, San Antonio, since this law was written. We no longer live in a society or culture that considers flirtation (in any of its forms) to be a violation of the law; whether it's moral law or civil law.  What we have here, is a case of a law which has outlived its necessity and usefulness. There may have been a time when this law provided a benefit to the citizens of San Antonio. However, based on where we are at culturally, it is my firm belief that this lawsuit doesn't have any genuine merit and will likely be dismissed by any judge who is forced to take this case".