BIDEN CAMPAIGN HANDS OUT STICKERS TO THEIR NEWEST VOTERS, SO THEY CAN VIRTUE SIGNAL IN THE AFTERLIFE.

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In a recent move, seen mostly as political pageantry by his opponents, the "Joe Biden for President" campaign has started to hand out stickers to some of his most recent mail-in voting supporters.

According to a representative with the campaign, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity,  the purpose of these stickers is to give deceased voters–who vote for Biden–an advantage over TRUMP supporters in the afterlife.

"In the event that these individuals reach the pearly gates without the confidence of where they'll be spending eternity, these stickers will work as a persuasion tool for Saint Peter. Essentially these stickers will work as a 'get out of hell free' card in some cases. Much like indulgences were used by Pope Leo X, in 1517, to build St. Peter's Basilica, we aim to tug on St. Peter's heartstrings by allowing folks to signal their goodness as they argue their way into heaven." 

We also spoke with Whitney Whitman, a representative of the Trump reelection campaign and a probable racist, who made it clear that they are not only aware of this issue but will spare no expense to ensure the Constitutionality and validity of the mail-in votes that were cast by these deceased voters.

"Our main objective is to ensue that no foul play or voter-fraud was involved. We have our top Russian assets working on this, as we speak, and if we determine that any criminality is involved, in any way, we will ensure that these ballots are not only challenged but that those responsible are held accountable."

Our efforts to reach out to any of the voters in question were unsuccessful, as none of the deceased voters were available for comment. 

There is no telling how any of this will impact the election, but for now, dead voters for Biden expect a significant heavenly advantage–and a sticker on their gravestones–signaling their support for Joe Biden; who many assume may be joining them in heaven shortly after his inauguration in January.
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Timothy anderson-holmes

Washington, D.C - Politics & Policy