 Washington D.C. (Wokeville Gazette) — Facing the embarrassment of failure, in his All-of-America Sprint to get 70% of U.S. adults at least one shot by July 4th, President Biden announced on Tuesday that he would now move on to Plan-B.
"We tried to be kind and do things the easy way, but some Americans are simply more stubborn than we initially figured", said President Biden at a press conference on Tuesday. "We will now be forced to move on to phase-2. Our efforts to be kind were effective, but not as effected as we needed them to be, so now we will introduce our vaccine encouragers into neighborhoods across America, to get the job done". The vaccine encouragers President Biden is speaking of are the same peaceful protesters which took to the streets in summer of unrest. These encouragers, also known as Antifa, will now be mobilized into the neighborhoods with the highest amount of unvaccinated American adults. We spoke to one group of vaccine encouragers, in order to understand what their primary efforts will be once they hit the neighborhood streets. "Let's just say we have some fairly effective methods to help motivate people", said a member of one of the groups being deployed by President Biden's administration. "We know how to get the job done and have our demands met, and we won't take no for an answer". When pressed about any concern of how phase-2 could be interpreted by Americans, President Biden had a fairly optimistic outlook. "Look man, some folks are always going to try and spin things", said Biden. "We certainly expect them to try and paint this as government overreach or authoritarianism. But when you're dealing with Antifa, which literally stands for anti-fascism, it's kind of a hard sell. How can people who literally hate fascism, be fascist? It's impossible, and we feel strongly that most Americans will agree. And for those who don't, let's just say our encouragers are ready to help change their minds by any and all means necessary". We asked the President whether he had another plan, if phase-2 is unsuccessful. "I mean if burning down peoples houses and threatening them with physical violence doesn't get the job done, one can only imagine what it will take to convince people that it's in their best interest to simply take the shot", said Biden. "But to answer your question, yes...we do have a final plan we have called 'The Nuclear Option', and we are ready to enact it if people are still unwilling to accept our gracious offer of a free vaccine. I just hope it doesn't get to that point, to be honest. I'm ready to move beyond this conversation and talk about happy things again". |
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